My Heart in my Hand

                     Yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend of more than two years.
                     It sounds so simple, so easy, when it's put like that.  People break up every day.  I know that. And I know that it's never easy, or simple.  Not for the people involved.  Everyone knows that.  Everyone has been there.  And they all say the same things when it happens to someone else.
                     People keep telling me that I'm brave, that I'm strong.  They say that because I chose to end the relationship, and did it not out of anger, but because I saw that our personalities weren't quite a perfect fit.  I chose to end a good relationship because I know that I could have a better one with someone else, even if I don't know who.  So everyone tells me that I'm doing the right thing, and that in the long run this will be better for both of us.
                     I try to believe them.  Sometimes - most of the time - I actually do know that they're right.
                     But the truth is that when I think about the break up, I don't feel brave or strong.  I feel like a coward, because I knew for more than two weeks that this was coming, and didn't say anything.  I tried to take the easy way out and ignore the problem until a "better" time, feeling more and more like I was lying to him every day.  The only reason we broke up when we did is that he could tell it was bothering me, and asked what was wrong.
                     One of the first rules we set in our relationship was honesty.  He asked.  I answered.
                     I feel broken because this amazing person I just left is someone I have loved deeply for two years.  I still love him.  I hate the fact that I hurt him this way.  I hate that I have to push him away, even knowing that I'm giving us both a chance for something even better.  I'm trying very hard not to hate myself for doing it.
                     Once before I had to break up with someone with whom I was still in love, for all the right reasons.  That break up was the trigger for the severe depression that I have written about elsewhere on this blog.  I hated myself then.  Even knowing that my circumstances are so different now, that I have a support system and a greater self knowledge of where my emotional limits are, a part of me is terrified that I'm going to fall into that darkness again.
                     Another part of me, smaller but present, is tempted by it.  The depression brought with it numbness, and it is tempting to prefer that over the pain.  Sometimes I feel like my heart has been stabbed and the knife still in the wound, cutting deeper with every breath.  It would be so easy, this part of me whispers, to run from the pain, to hide so deeply inside myself that it could never touch me.
                     I know, of course, that that is a false promise and a temporary refuge at best, so I bear the pain.  Instead I talk about it, write about it here, and if the sharing doesn't ease the hurt, at least it makes it easier to handle.
                     To everyone who has offered or will offer me comfort and support, thank you.  With all of your help, I know I will make it through this, and be stronger for it.  Your kindness means a great deal to me, even if I'm not always able to show it as I go through this process.

Lots of Love,
~Jennifer

Feel Good Friday: The Lion in the Mirror

                    This week's Feel Good Friday is the first picture I've selected, but I hope that it speaks to all of you like it did to me.  You may remember that in 'Thinking vs. Wanting' I mentioned a phrase that kills all dreams: "I can't do that."  Today's picture, on the other hand, illustrates how to keep dreams alive.

                     Like the kitten in the photo, we need to be able to see ourselves as we want to be every time we look in the mirror.  While acknowledging the sometimes frustrating reality that right now we are just adorable fuzzy kittens, we must never lose sight of the lion we intend to be.  There is nothing wrong and (as anyone who has ever cuddled a kitten will tell you) a great deal that is right about being a kitten.  Everyone is a kitten at some point, and some of us take longer than others to grow out of it.  But as long as you can see the lion in the mirror, "I can't do that" becomes "I can't do that yet."
                     I know that right now I'm just a young woman, hardly out of her teens, with a retail job and no degree.  I am still a kitten. But I also know that some day I will be a counselor.  I will hold an advanced degree, and help young people who are struggling with the same kinds of problems I have overcome.  And I will help them to see their own personal lions in the mirror.

Lots of Love,
~ Jennifer

P.S.  I'd love to hear about your own lions in the mirror.  If you'd like to share, send me an e-mail or leave a comment below!

P.P.S.  I looked for the origin of this picture but could not find any information on it.  If you happen to know who originally created the image, please let me know so that I can give proper credit!

Feel Good Friday: Life Vest Inside

                 Today I'm trying what I hope will be a new weekly tradition: Feel Good Fridays.  Every Friday, I will find an inspiring story, poem, or video, and share it with you.  The only criteria?  When you are done reading the blog or watching the video, you should feel warm-fuzzy happiness.  If I'm lucky, you may even be inspired by them.  So without further ado, here is your first Feel Good Friday, a beautiful video by the non-profit organization Life Vest Inside.

                  From the Life Vest Inside website:  Charity work and community service are invaluable tools for bettering our world, but kindness is more than good deeds or volunteerism alone.  Kindness is empathy, compassion, and human connection; it's a smile, a touch, or a comforting word.  Even the smallest gesture can brighten a dark day or ease a heavy burden.  LVI works to cultivate the awareness that individuals can effect real and positive change in the people around them, simply by 'living kindness:' by embodying empathy and compassion in our day-to-day lives.  LVI seeks to spread kindness and goodwill through the sharing of Acts of Kindness Cards, connecting our users to various inspirational media through film and the Internet.  And further through the implementation of our Social Emotional Learning Program.

                  What do you think?  Shall I keep doing Feel Good Fridays?  Do you have a story or video you'd like me to share next week?  Leave a comment or send me an e-mail!  I look forward to hearing from you.

Lots of Love,
~Jennifer

Passions

                        It's been a while since I updated the blog, I know.  I'd blame writing for National Novel Writing Month, except that I got about seven hundred words in and realized that I was writing garbage just to make a word count.  That's not how I want to write.  I write because I have something to say, something to challenge others with or make them think about.  I write because it lets me get into another mindset, see things from a different angle, and hopefully show other people that same view.  Having a story is nice, but it's merely the vehicle for the ideas I'm exploring.  That is what inspires my writing, both fiction and non-fiction.
                        I realized this while talking with a co-worker about my short story "Rose Briar."  To my embarrassment, I discovered that I had monologued excitedly for almost ten minutes about the themes and twists on conventional thought that the story explored.  This got me thinking about other subjects that I am passionate about - things that I can talk or think about for hours at a time.   Specifically, I started thinking about my interest in psychology.
                        This interest started over ten years ago, though only within the last two years did I realize the subject that occupied my internal pondering had a name.  Way back then, a stranger complimented my thirteen year-old self on my lack of accent.  The seemingly innocuous comment sparked a deceptively simple question: "What do other people sound like to themselves?"
                        Of course it is impossible to know exactly what other people sound like to themselves, though you can get an approximate idea by comparing your own voice recorded to how you sound to yourself.  But the question got me thinking about how people think about themselves and others, and the things that influence those thoughts.  For years I made quiet observations of myself and the people around me, noting wherever possible what assumptions were made and why.  In college I learned everything I could about other cultures and religions, fascinated by the way two people could literally think in different ways about seemingly very basic concepts, such as what made something morally right or wrong.
                        Then two years ago I took Psychology 101, and it was like discovering Mozart after years of never knowing music existed.  For the first time in my college career, I had a class that I was always eager to do the homework for, work that never bored me or frustrated me.  Not to say that the class was easy, but occasionally the text would cover a concept that I had already worked out for myself, but simply never known had a name.  Those moments excited and encouraged me when wrestling with other, more difficult concepts.  Even more exciting, though I didn't realize it right away, was the fact that at last I had found a subject that I was truly passionate about, one that could lead to a degree and ultimately a career I could be equally passionate about.
                        It took two years of bouncing around the DC area before I settled down enough to seriously start looking into going back to school, but a few days ago I decided it was time to stop stalling and get serious.  Last night I submitted the Free Application for Federal Student Aid.  I don't expect them to offer me much, if anything - for some reason I am still considered a dependent and my parents make too much money for me to be likely to qualify for any grants.  But it is still a good starting place from which to negotiate with the Financial Aid departments of various colleges.
                        For the first time in my adult life, I think I might actually know what I'm doing with my career.
                        Wish me luck.

Thinking VS Wanting

                Lately I've been thinking a lot about dreams, and the things that block them.  I have heard professionals in various fields - people who have already overcome obstacles and made a name for themselves - say that if you didn't make it, you didn't want it badly enough.  I'm not sure that I agree with that completely, but they do have a point.  If you want something badly enough, even believing you can't do it doesn't stop you from trying.  This blog is a case in point.  It is me dusting off my self-esteem and giving writing another chance.  Do I honestly think that this will in some way lead to me being published?  Probably not, but at least it is an outlet for the desire.
                I think most people go through life having given up on a dream, to be a writer, or a lawyer, or a singer.  We start to learn what it takes to fulfill our dream, and comparing ourselves to the leaders in the field, and we commit the error that kills all dreams: We think "I can't do that."
                At least, that's how it worked for me.  I can remember a number of dreams I've given up on: singer, teacher, and artist being just a few.  In each case, there was a point, or many points, where I looked at the work of someone who had been doing it far longer than myself and thought, "I can't do that."  Whether the statement is true or not almost doesn't matter - the fact is that by saying it, I sabotaged myself.  Instead of letting the achievements of those people inspire me to do better, I gave up, in my own mind, the possibility of improving.  I let what I thought I could do stop me from doing what I wanted to do.
                Now, the phrase also implies that anyone can achieve any dream if they simply want it badly enough, and I disagree with that.  Not everyone is cut out to be an Olympic gold medalist, or a brain surgeon, or an attorney general.  One of the problems with our culture, in my opinion, is the idea that if you are not one of the leaders (however that is defined) that your work is inherently less valuable.  This not only causes the culture to look down on entire classes of employment (construction, sanitation, retail, etc) but also to marginalize the value of those who do basic, necessary tasks in "more respectable" classes of employment.
                Anyone can be a leader, but everyone cannot.  A world full of CEOs would collapse, with no one knowing how to raise crops, maintain sewer and water lines, or repair any but the most basic structural damages.  The example is extreme, but the principle holds true in any field.  The singer who puts out one album, or none, is no less intrinsically valuable because she gives pleasure to a smaller audience.  The teenager flipping burgers has no less right to self-esteem and to respect from others because he is not the store manager.
                It is good and necessary to have dreams of better things, but we as individuals and as a culture need to take the time to acknowledge and respect the role of the followers as well as the leaders.  As individuals, we need to not be intimidated by what we think we can do, but rather strive to be the best we can be.  Equally, we need to be content if, reaching the peak of our ability, we are not the leaders of the pack.
                Don't let what you want to be undermine your pleasure in what you are.  And don't let what you think you are keep you from becoming what you want to be.


EDIT Jan. 4, 2013:  Feel Good Friday: The Lion in the Mirror is a sort-of follow-up on this post.